this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.