Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
