Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
