is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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