I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
