Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
