I just pynch a tree in the face
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
