Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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