my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
