Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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