god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
