Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
