It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
