I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
