How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
