Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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