it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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