I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
