Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize