final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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