Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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