apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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