Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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