i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
