Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
