I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
