cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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