so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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