I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
