im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
