Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
