I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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