i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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