i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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