I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
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I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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