Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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