So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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