so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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