All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
