can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
