matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
