Have you finally orgasmed yet?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
