I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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