4 words: hood of his car
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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