Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
