maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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