just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
