i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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