Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
