I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
