Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
