Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
