i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
