So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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