the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
