Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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