I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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