my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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