Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
