There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
