my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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