I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
