i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
